The Epitaph

I was a Junior in High School in 1983 when our English teacher gave us an assignment to write our own epitaph.  As usual, it wasn't until the last possible minute that I got the inspiration to write mine.  I was pretty sure I did not truly satisfy the requirements of the assignment, but it was done and after I turned it in, I waited, dreading how bad my grade was going to be.  As it turns out, I received an A+ on it, which was mildly amusing to me given the fact that it wrote itself in about 15 minutes or so as I recall.  Since a good share of it is about music, I gave it to Mom to read who laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall over.  Now, I'm convinced it is not that funny and it is generally not my nature to talk about myself like this.  But since it was me who was supposed to be dead and therefore in need of an epitaph, it kind of needed to be about me.  Anyway, it is amusing enough that I would get a pretty good laugh if I were wandering around a cemetery and saw something like this on a grave marker.  On the other hand, I can't imagine the bill for putting something like this on a stone.  The reference to four part harmony alludes to the fact that Mom, Val, Mel, and I all played together quite a bit which required Mom to arrange music for three trombones and one trumpet.  Not to mention the fact that Mom was definitely the more talented player out of all of us.  In addition, it is a great stretch of the definition of "play" when I wrote that I could play the piano.  The rest of it is true though.  After all, one shouldn't be lying on their epitaph.  If you do, the relatives, you know which ones, are going to rat you out and whether or not you are dead is going to be inconsequential to them.  But, I've digressed. The truth is, I probably joke around too much and I often laugh at things that weren't meant to be funny.  Oops.  That hasn't changed much in the 36 years since I wrote this.  My kids can testify to the fact that they have heard me say, "I can't stop laughing" almost as often as I have told them that I love them.  When I was younger I used to ponder the phrase "die laughing".  I used to wonder if it was possible to actually die laughing and somewhere along the line, I decided it wouldn't be a bad way to go. Without further delay, I offer "The Epitaph".

The Epitaph
(for Junior English)

Here lies the body of TMB,
I was the best of a four part harmony.
Wherever I went people would say,
"Have you ever heard her play?"
I'd play my trumpet day and night,
playing practically every note right.
And though it was awesome
of course it was true,
that I could play the piano too.
Even while some said
it was only a rumor
most people knew it was true,
that I had a great sense of humor,
always good for a joke or two.
One day, I told a hilarious joke,
I laughed so hard I began to choke.
I never told another after that,
and that's why I needed this epitaph.
-T. Bloomer
19 December 1983